today i woke from my blissful snoozing
to find myself trapped in a white padded room
doctors leering orderlies abusing
my every right to self-brought gloom
pumped with anti-depressants
i'm painlessly lifted to a higher place
don't you see i despise the cheery and pleasant?
what you're doing's not more than a slap in the face
why can't you leave me alone?
cast me out and burn my file
if only a life of piss and moan
without the restraint mask that makes me smile
--------------------------------------------
it might not be your p.o.v. per say, but i'd appreciate constructive crit.
thanx
68 comments:
try writing all this again without using a 'sentence' structure per se. Use descriptive words. end thought abruptly (to fit this disjointed mood). Make us breathe the air you're breathing in those rooms. give us some nitty gritty details. the rusted drain in the corner of the room. what color are the meds in the vial? what does the air smell of? does the head nurse wear a severe bun to match her countenance? what shape is the viewing window set high in the door? does the overwaxed floor squeak with shuffling footsteps of residents and teh brisk pace of staff? etc.e tc. etc.
whoa.
once a photographer...
i'm putting this on the to-do to-do list.
till then.
[i]vus?[/i]
(never read 'One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest'..?for shame)
i watched it.
not bad.
READ it.
then write this again.
i so have no patience to read anymore.
books take to long.
i used tto be a avid reader; now it seems i've hit the wall
Punch it back. and don't read such heavy ones. Unique imagery formed through books by your own imagination (rather than the movie-director's) will take you further in life-- and poetry.
as a fellow artist, i dare say that as of now, i'm only intrested in picture books (i.e. children's books, encyclopedias,comic books, magazines, etc....)
i can't bear to read another 'mature novel' about terrorists with atomic warheads or pentagon officials that have kidnapped the president.
and the plots are all the same.
the goodguys will win, or you weon't like the ending.
it's a no-win situation.
which goes flat too quickly.
you got taht right. all the plots are the same.
take a vacation..?
to where? to do what? when should i come back?
I'm cutting back- this one is good, it doesn't need changing. discription would make it dickens and I don't have time for dickens (soap we're in the same boat in regards to books, but one flew over is short) I'll just pretend the language doesb't bother me. I know you can't sensor your poetry and get the same feeling. if you could do that, it would make you truely very great.
all hail the truly great soap-king!
nah.
selective reading.
right.
soapmeister-- heeeelp.more.poetry.for.your.parched.subjects..save.us.from.from.from...
can't. seem.to.get.the.juices.flowing.stop.will.be.trying.shock.
therapy.stop.
[fin]
fine but skip the lobotomy option pl;ease.we really can't afford the end results..
lobotomy? they said it wasn't an option.
something to do with the anatomy or s/t.
trixies leaves. soapy can't pump out poetry. who thinks theres a correlation?
ps. I'll say it so you don't have to- trixies, don't flatter yourself. now you don't have to say it
thanks. what happened to your blog?
cheshbon hanefesh. I'm off there and h for a month. we'll go from there, but I think I'll be back on my blog but not h. meanwhile I write and save it in word. maybe I'll post it all when I go back on. sorry, its just something I have to do. it pretty much broke the addiction (although I'm not recommending that you try it cause then I'll really have nothing to do here but onlysimchas and e-mail)
which probably wouldn't be too 'a bad thing'.
what can i say? you're probably right. i'm might do it too one of these days.
i have to ween myself from this internet injection.
shut down the blog (???) and quit hashkafah.
that place is nose-diving anyways.
which is probably because I left :)
ok, fine, also cause doodle leftish.
wha??? you left because of two guys?
how is that cheshbon hanefesh coming along? :P
(but seriously, i think he's heading up to balt. in a week or so)
where did you get that I left because of 2 guys? I left because of all the guys (although here I am, and I do his blog too). but mainly because of time wasting. the cheshbon hanefesh is telling me to take small steps.
(and ya, he said. he wants a balto meet, but he didn't say why he's coming)
man, and i thought we had a monopoly...
who can understand the mysterious ways of the hed doodle?
something about liberating liberty bell, i think.
um, no, liberty bell is phillidelphia (which I don't know how to spell cause I don't live there) Baltimore is where the star spangeled banner was composed and home of the mason dixion line, but that is as close to the liberty bell as we get.
like i said; who can understand the workings of the mind of a doodle?
ach.. i coulda told you it was nosediving ages ago. stayed off for two months..then felt the lure..'twas horrible. The withdrawal is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy..well maybe..
it's a frickin' habit...
lord be my therapy...
cold turkey helps.
for a day.
Thn you feel empty and wasted and wait for redemption with a screaming heart.
I don't feel the withdrawl (probably cause I consider hashkafa soap and doodle and I still have your blogs- one sec did I just contradict myself?)
flör:
i'm only on that thing for those few people and the occasional media update. i'd go cold if i had another option. without breaking down in tears, i don't have a lot of people i hang out with; and the ones i have, are in yeshiva or israel. to some extent, you people are the only friends i have. without y'all in my every day, i'd be pretty damn lonely.
trix86:
thanxs.
omg.. *snifflesniffle..you poor dear..
comeon over and par-tay! and bring the soap/doodle combo, k? (I bring chocolate & aftershave this time)
shut- up!!
MOoo-ooOM!!!
flörie's bothering me again!
[mom says to clean your room first. then she'll rescue you..]
two.bored.kids.
not good.
(btw: your blog-time is off..jest bein' friendly-like)
>:(
no fair.
she always takes your side.
so what? it adds character (i suppose).
!
I'm bored. let's go tan on the roof?
(or see some of your charcoal sketches??)
the soap does not tan.
one of my more gothic leanings.
it was drawing fundamentals. we were drawing enormous blocks.
hey, the trixies doesn't tan either, but its more of a stubborn skin thing than a gothic leaning for me
use canola oil.
it helps.
(why not? it can't hurt. much)
neither does flör to tell the truth. i'd say it was goth inspired, but i'm not there. yet.
though I do have the natural colouring of long jet-black hair and ivory skin..I haven't gotten the hang of doing that heavy eyeliner stuff. then again me and makeup don't really get along..
p.s. the soap might not tan, but you seem to have forgotten your invite from a few months back..
so what're you busy with now that H is flushed??
yeah, eyeliner on us guys is weird.
i forget, remind me.
dunno yet.
checking out you all's blogs.
snowboarding lessons (i'm waiting!)
working in my labratory.
the sky's the limit.
mazal tov on taking the plunge. gemarah is always a good subsitute, you know if you have nothing else to do anyway. they even make it in english.
I'm actually thinking of taking the next step, um, we wont say what that is, but you can maybe guess. its a very scary step, and I don't know if I can do it.
and about the canola oil, not to worry, thats what happens to me when I try to tan anyway. I don't need the oil to get me there.
gemara in english? cool.
i hear they make it in hebrew too.
c'mon trixies, i was in yeshiva last year. i know they make gemaras in english.
the next step... [insert dum-da-dum-dum-da music]
whoa. big step there. but if you're adment on it, good luck.
like a lobster.
I knew you knew they made them in english. I was never in yeshiva and even I know. was just teasing, sorry.
when I babysit I sometimes read it even.
next step probably wont happen till around purim when the oh man I'm 20 already kicks in (shushan purim, if you want to send me a presant)
no probl'm.
to the children?
tell me how it goes. :P
what do you want?
nah, I pull out a gemarah (you can guess which) to see all the secret things in there meant to be hidden from girls.
mmmm hhhhhhhm right
a chussan would be great if you know any boys.
otherwise jewlery always works. so does electronics. or a marveouse middos machine cd. or a card.
and I will take this oppurtunity to anounce (on your blog because I don't do mine- I might go back on mine march 9th- one month from when I stopped- but things might happen to change it) right, so I bought the purim story. I can't believe my father doesn't like it. it is such an amazing, hysterical cd. how can anyone not like it.
when you've heard it as many times as i have...
I actuallly think I like the stuff I like due to a deprived childhood. which is why I don't like uncle moishe.
trash that, I like dov dov.
a seven year old in adult skin.
5
6! and that's my final offer.
6
sold to the girl picking her nose!
jewelry? snort! buy your wife sumthin useful soap.
board lessons whenever you want. I don't know how good Sterling's hill is but (yea, I said hill) it's a start.
Did you blow up the lab yet? How come you're not blowing a gasket with boredom like I do??
another fun activity. read your old frumteens posts and see how imature you used to be (and how little you grew up) unless you don't have old frumteens posts in which case you can't do that.
urgh..I do/did..and I think I just threw-up in my old self's face..care to guess who I was..?? ;)
i'm completely lost.
and due to the fact that with my next post this will all be archived, i graciously allow you to continue this thread in the most recent post.
well, who knows when you'll do a new post.
flor- I'm gonna try to guess, lets see, your disgusted with yourself- someone like ipg?
I'm not dicusted with myself. thats what happens when you never likes someone in the first place although my opinions on youge marriage were kind of interesting. bet you can't guess who I was (besides the obviose trixies)
hehe. no, but I know ipg..I was on ages and ages ago. so young then..sigh..
I was also on ages ago. except unlike your little click over there (sorry I was very not into you guys- snob me) I didn't know anyone. oh well.
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